I love my kids.

This is kind of hard for me to talk about. I have talked to some of my closest friends and family about it,but I decided to write about it to either get some good advice, or help others who feel the same way.

So of course I totally love my kids.

Who couldn't love these cute little squirts. When Kylee was little, she was my life. I was so proud of her and loved to show off how cute and smart she is. Then Summer was born and Kylee got too grown up. I still loved her a ton but she started bugging me. It sounds so horrible to say it. I would get annoyed at her so easy, and I didn't want her to touch me. What a horrible Mom, right? Well that is how I felt.

I knew I could still take care of her and teach her things, but I didn't want her too close. I also knew this wasn't the right way to feel. After talking to a few people about the problem and getting some extra advice, all I could do was pray to help my feelings change. I did a little better, but realized I needed to do more than pray when I started to feel the same way about Summer after Logan was born. So I made myself give extra hugs, and answer questions I didn't want to answer. (Like "Where are we going?" I usually would say "You'll see" or something) It was actually a fight in my head: "Just say it, just tell them, its o-k if they know" Then I would make myself say it. It was hard.

But it paid off. With all the praying, and changing my actions, I was able to change my feelings. Now I can say that I look at my kids and only feel love. Last night Summer was sitting right next to me on the couch, leaning on me and instead of saying "Move over your too close" I put my arm around her and gave her a hug. She was beaming. She held my hand and played with my fingers smiling. I may have to still make myself give longer hugs and kisses, but the joy on their faces makes it all worth it.

My Kylee is so beautiful. I have tears in my eyes right now just thinking about her. She always says (whenever people mention my three redheads) "I'm the only one without red hair" Her hair is not totally blond anymore, and I'm sure it will end up brown. I love it! She is going to be a beautiful woman someday. I am so glad I have my blue eyed girl. She is still so smart, and she is so helpful. She loves to help me without me even asking her to. She is finding things, lately, that she loves to do. She loves to sing and dance. And she loves to read and write stories. She is very good at it too.

Summer makes me smile all day. She is so unique. I love her hair and her spunkiness that comes with it. She is so creative. She can have fun even without toys. Her hands become people and she can play with them for hours. She is also so smart. I never thought she'd be dumb, but with her la la la personality I thought she wouldn't care to learn. But she surprises me everyday with things she remembers. She loves going to preschool and has learned so so much. She also loves to sing and remembers almost all the words of songs Kylee teaches her from school.

I'm happy to say that I know I will never feel that way about Logan and Jenna and will never about the girls again. I will still have to fight with myself to answer simple questions (due to my stubbornness and liking to have control of things), but I will prevail! For those of you who have helped me with this- Thank you! And to those who might be feeling similar feelings- don't give up! Heavenly Father loves you and will be there to help.